King of Wakanda: “Vote Blue and Lose Your Black Card”

In the wake of rising political tensions in the United States, T’Challa – the current King of Wakanda- called a press conference to issue a statement many are considering to be controversial. The speech goes as follows.


Good evening ladies and gentlemen,

I am T’Challa, son of T’Chaka, and King of the nation of Wakanda.

(short pause)

For many years, my father spent every moment of his life trying to bring peace and prosperity to not only our people but to the world. As a child, I could never understand, why. I would say: Why should we care for the world when the world would never act to help us.

He would smile and tell me: Together, we are the world.

While he was alive I never understood. Maybe I didn’t want to understand. Now that he’s gone…it seems so simple. And never was the meaning behind his words more simple to me now than watching the political unrest taking place in the United States of America.

The actions and the words of the United States Democratic party are frightening.

They say: Hate your country. Oppress your own people- shame them- silence them- all to appease the people who defied your nations laws. People who entered illegally. People who commit terrible acts of crime. People who rape your children and murder your women. People who throw acid in their faces and ram trucks into their crowds. People who put drugs in hands of their poor. People who become angry at the sight of a country’s flag- despite living in that country. And how have these Democratic politicians responded to all these terrible things?

By stabbing their own country in the back and saying that they are the heroes. By bowing their heads to animals exploiting their own American people every day and by taking away your own people’s ability to defend themselves against the monsters they let loose in their country.

(short pause)

I a have been many things. Many of them…not so good. But one thing I have always been…was a patriot of my country. I am the King of Wakanda. I am proud to love my country. I have met Americans. And I look at their country and see hope. It is one of the greatest countries in the world…but it has become infected with a disease.

I understand that, since my father’s death, Wakanda has become quite popular in America…particularly with those of African descent. I believe, America watches over the world as we wake and as we sleep. We’ve seen alien beasts and men who can fly in Iron Suits…and men who can command the forces of raging storm. And America is like a troubled hero…powerful and willing to help…but flawed. So to you and to those who will listen- to those who would find meaning in these words, I say: Vote blue and lose your black card.

Thank you.

The conference ended with King T’Challa walking off stage without another word or even a wave. Considering the trouble following the bombing at the UN some years ago where his father, the late King T’Chaka, was murdered in the blast – this public statement seems out of character from the usually reclusive nation of Wakanda. King T’Challa had attempted to maintain a level of distance from the public sphere since his official rise to the throne, but recent popularity has seemingly hampered that goal.

Hollywood actor, Samuel L. Jackson, went on record saying: If that motherfucker thinks he’s taking away my black card, he’s fucking crazy. Shit, ain’t nobody blacker than me. I’ll take away his for stabbing me in the back.

Samuel L. Jackson, a staunch critic of the once clandestine agency S.H.I.E.L.D, went on to say that he believes T’Challa was put up to this by the former Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. Nick Fury – who Jackson strongly emphasized is not him.

Two-time Presidential runner-up and Democratic Party favorite, Hillary Clinton, gave us a short interview on the matter saying she believed the Russians were funneling money into the third world state of Wakanda in an attempt to use the nation’s new-found popularity to make attacks on the Democratic Party which Clinton deemed highly sexist.

The interview was cut off when Mrs. Clinton fell to the ground and began moving strangely. Our reporters thought this to be a seizure, but her bodyguards assured us it was just a new dance she’d been working on for her visit at the children’s hospital.

So what is the true meaning and motive behind King T’Challa’s words? Was Mr. Jackson right about this being an operation conducted by S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Nick Fury? Is the organization still out there pulling strings? Or maybe the Russians really were involved. After all, the dreaded Winter Soldier- who had been suspected of the U.N. Bombing and countless other espionage-related activities against the United States- was the creation of a Russian experiment during the era of the Cold War. Or is something bigger brewing beneath the surface – something new and terrible?

Let’s pray we never have to find out.


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